I’m alone…with no thoughts, no inspirations, no sense that God is here. Can you relate? It causes me to look off into the distance, wondering if I’ve missed a turn somewhere. Did the Lord go right while I definitely took that left turn? How could I end up here, feeling like a door has closed on my relationship with Him? Why is it that some days feel like this?
There are issues looming ahead of me. My elderly parents and some health issues, the ministry focus of my life right now that needs attention, taxes need to be done, the dog needs to get some shots updated, renter issues that need attention, family members making questionable decisions that I don’t agree with (do you hear the edge of judgment there? Oh, I must beware of that one!), friends leaving shortly for a mission trip to Africa whom I need to be lifting up in prayer. Then there’s a topic I want to study up on and prepare a talk around, a schedule that seems to have little room for any of this, and oh my gosh, the dog just threw up and I have to figure out what that’s all about! It just seems to go on and on, and I can’t see God in any of it at this moment.
At these times, I just want to crawl up into a corner with a good book and let the world go by. It all feels so, so like life just picked up a shotgun, loaded a shell full of peppercorns, and let it blast at me. I’m being peppered to death it seems. So many things to think about. So many people with needs. So much in the world that I cannot affect.
These are days that I must call upon something else in my spirit, these days when I can’t seem to get my feet flat on terra firma and I’m being tossed to and fro. I always think of the verse in James 1 that says being tossed to and fro is the worst place to be as someone who believes in Jesus Christ. That particular verse doesn’t much help me feel a lot of confidence in myself on days like today!
Has God left me? No, I don’t think so. Is He punishing me for some unknown sin? Nope that’s not it either. Is He torturing me by just being silent at this time? Absolutely not, for that is not in God’s nature. So if this isn’t some plan of God’s to make me see something in particular, what exactly is this all about?
I need the confidence of the Lord for times like these. Where do I get it? These are the days when I have to pull deep to my past circumstances to find what I’m looking for. This is one of those days that I have to go to what I like to call is my “knower”. I know that God is madly in love with me not because of anything I’ve done or because I’m such a wonderful woman of God. No, He just loves me because I’m one of His kids. I know God is for me. I know God will take any adverse circumstance of my life that I might be going through at this moment and He will use it to help me grow stronger. I know God will never, ever leave me nor forsake me. I just know all these things at this point in my life.
This, I believe, is the point of such times. God uses silent times to help us so we might come to a place in our ever-changing lives to realize that just because He is silent, He is no less close to me. “Oh but God, it’s so much better for me when I sense your presence, when I absolutely see you in the midst of my day,” I might cry. Yes, I love being on the mountaintop with God. Those are sweet, sweet times of refreshing, full of joy and wonder at His known presence. But just like a small child learning to be weaned from the comfort of her blankie, I must come to a place in my walk that I can comfort myself in knowing that while I might not sense Him, He is always near. This particular lesson took far too many years for me to figure out, but I think I’m there.
This day, in my distress over the unknowns and all the uncertainties of my life, I am able to find comfort in the sheer knowledge that I know my Savior is here. He’s quiet, but He’s here. And, praise God, I’m good with that. Tomorrow is another day!